You are what you're worth- a tale of anger!

You are what you're worth- a tale of anger!

Need to get something off my chest.  I feel angry.  Whilst I'm normally apologetic and think twice before saying or writing something, I'm just going to let the words flow.   I avoid confrontation and don't respond to stimuli, believing that exchanges are best had with a cool head and time to digest the information I've been assaulted with.  And actually, I'm still taking the easy route, as I'm not directly confronting the offending person nor will I because deep down, I don't wish to enter heated discussions on social media.  The very thought drains me. I just can't be arsed, not to mention the implications in can have on judgments on my character, which is important that I keep positive due to my internet based occupation.

So basically this whole tirade stems from a last-ditch attempt to boost my income, due to the ever-lasting financial difficulties that have plagued me for the last 7 years.. I won't get into the nitty gritty because that personal part is not up for consumption.  The fact is, I'm offering a service next to my other full-time job role, breadwinner and mother.  I don't have a lot of free time and need to organise things well in advance.  I can't afford to be "spontaneous".  Then comes the free-loading parasite who wants your service, but at a significantly reduced price that refuses to consider the explicitly mentioned "few days advance notice" and wants to book the next day.  That person senses the desperation, takes advantage and to pour fuel on the flame wants to engage you at a time that they know is unacceptable to you.  Why?  Why the entitled attitude?  Said individual airs their grievances on a public group, though not mentioning me personally, about the prices going up recently and that people need to remember that customers will only pay as much as they see worth.  Says it all really,

You do not see my service as worthy of its price and you do not respect my time.  With customers like that, who needs 'em!  I don't believe in losing your self-respect or having your worth dictated to by someone else, especially when they display such poor decorum.

Rant over. 

Poem- Diaspora Kids

Diaspora Kids

We didn't choose our place of birth
Nor blame our parents as such
But having to live in two worlds without choice
Just proved for some of us a little too much.

Know your roots, your culture, your history
Take part in all the traditions
Never forget who you are
Lest it doth end in extinction

Where do we fit in restrictions so tight
Of whom we may love
Or what battles we will fight

Dilution is inevitable or so it would seem
As distance takes you a long way from the dream
For some it disappears
And assimilation takes place
Gaining new visions and losing the faith

Why did you make us love
That which we cannot have?
Now we are left longing
For the experience we never had

The experience of self
That we have to defend and preserve
Is baseless in it's abstract version
Validation is what we deserve

When this happens
Will we feel what you felt?
Will reality wake us up
Hardships make the love melt?

You have made us proud
Of who we are
And that we cannot be 
Away from the heart

For who is proud of running away
Of chasing fortunes, worlds to gain
When all you have won is an abstract dream
Never once to be made real again


Only in memory.

I have a dream

Already becoming quite used to having a lot on my plate, today's breakthrough of sunshine has brightened my mood somewhat and I find myself naturally dreaming of a different life I am leading elsewhere.  I imagine devoting myself to creative endevours, having the time for both family and personal development.  Armed with a laptop and full of inspiration I sit in a cafe, typing quirky and fun dialogues for various projects.  I envisage a diary filled with appointments, to teach English, do someone's make-up, attend cultural events and support the businesses of my friends.  Somewhere inbetween there are gaps, for tending to administrative and domestic duties.  It all sounds very busy! Of course I expect that these activites will bring forward a healthy income, or I would hope.

However, the need for immediate security may mean I have to abandon autonomy of building my own career- but I won't let that spoil the fantasy for now.

Autumn 2- 13 years later, after Autumn 1 :)

Autumn is a time for change
You've heard it all before, the colours, the range!
But what is it about Autumn that really touches the soul?
The rustling trees in the wind, the burning fire on the coal?

Depends on how you look at it
No-one is the same
Is it a metaphor for life?
Or is it just Nature's game?

No-one can deny
It's a fantastic display of art
From the warming hay in the meadows
To the sunsets that touch the heart

The crispy air when you step out the door
The kids screaming in delight at the leaves galore...
All the things that one can describe
It's hard not to be a cliche when this time arrives

But why hold back when something is so dear?
Isn't there beauty to be found at every moment of the year?

What makes Autumn so special that sets it apart from other seasons?
Why is it taking me so long to think of the reasons?
Perhaps I am looking for more than what is already there
I was better at this as a child, being an adult isn't fair!

So perhaps that is the key
To look at life through children's eyes
Where changes big and small
Are met with wonder and surprise!

Poem- How I feel right now...

I am so bored, help me quick
If I carry on like this, I’ll get really thick
Sick of the whinging, sick of the moans
Saying it all again makes me groan.
What is a girl to do?  I’ll stop and say
Please be over with Friday!

Sleep is needed, it can’t wait
My bed is waiting for me as bait
To draw me in to peaceful slumber
I love it so, is it any wonder?

Living for a life of sleep
Perhaps I should swap it for a jeep
In my dreams, yeah, literally I say
Why would it be any other way?

A jeep to take me through the jungle
Of colour, sounds, I wouldn’t grumble
Beautiful visions, unconscious reality
Psychedelic kaleidoscope of earth defying gravity
Freedom of movement, joy, let’s sing
Sleep truly is mesmerising

Poem- Texture Lady

Lower your head onto the pillow
Breathe in the smell of peace
Fall in deep slumber to the sound of thunder
Cushioned in between the sheets

Feel the silk case caress your cheek
Sliding into the unconscious of sleep
Fall into another world
There is no other place to go

Silk turns to grit to liquid to sand
The texture of dreams
I must try to understand
The places I am visiting

Crawling on all fours through no man’s land
The dirt between my fingers
Confirming my location in danger
And yet I feel safe

Liquid on my skin
So soothing and fresh
Consumes my whole body
In a sea of deep blue

My feet in the hot sand
Scorching in a summer heat
Rubbing against the grain
Cracking with no pain

Weightlessness in air
Cotton delicately lifting me
Into the high atmosphere
Where I drop suddenly

And then I wake up.

Poetry competition

Well!  It has been a few months since I have last been inspired to write a new blog entry.  It has been so utterly quiet at work today and by 9am this morning I had seen everything I wanted to online.  Fast forward to this afternoon and I spot a Serbian/English poetry competition on the Britic site (British-Serbian online magazine).  Having experimented with poetry I thought I might put it out there a bit, although I dare say I am far from experienced and that seems to be a pre-requisite in this competition.  Gahhhh!  What have I got to lose? I may be a little unrefined...but what I have is mine, it's me and it's unique.  I don't have to base my poetry on some pompous-headed words-worth (no pun intended).  I have until 20th December to hand in up to 4 entries, at a cost of £3 each.  If you also wish to participate, here is the link: http://www.ebritic.com/?p=215336  Do make sure to read the flyer and terms and conditions before submitting as there are rules to follow regarding safeguarding your identity for a fair result.

I'll spend the rest of my afternoon letting the words flow, but I shall not force anything.  I sometimes find that the best poetry is organic, free-floating words that somehow bind together to sense an atmosphere or emotion.  Enough with the confusion- lets just be us.

I've uploaded some of my old poems after this post, if you care to comment please do.  It'll be nice to receive some thoughts of which one I should submit.